8 traits for successful celibacy

The ability to maintain friendships and have a full and vibrant life are among the traits needed to successfully live the vow of celibacy. (Image: Shutterstock)

THE MORE YOU KNOW about yourself, the better chance you have of choosing a life path that will bring you the most joy. Discernment tools, such as VISION’s celibacy quiz, spirituality quiz, and Vocation Match, can help you gain insight into your personal preferences and practices as they relate to the requirements of religious life. We encourage you to use those tools first and then read on for more information about what it takes to live the vow of celibacy well.

1. Having close friends and an ability to love

Consecrated life means being willing to love brothers and sisters generously, in ministry and in community life. While becoming a more loving person is a lifelong task, religious communities do expect to see a certain capacity for this in prospective members.

Those who struggle to have and maintain friendships may not be good candidates for living a chaste, celibate life. Why? Celibates will not have a life partner. Though they strive to have an intimate relationship with Christ, they still need human intimacy. They meet that need through friendships and relationships with community members and those they encounter in ministry. If your capacity for friendship is relatively untested, it may be unwise to take a vow that would require you to rely on friendship to meet the need for intimacy.

2. Having a full life

To “have a life” means that you are multifaceted and engaged with people and in activities. Those whose worlds are limited may be unprepared socially for the demands of religious life. Members of a religious community invite a new member to share life with them. A person who has a vibrant life outside of a religious community has much to offer and much to gain by joining a religious community.

3. Enjoying time alone

Those who don’t mind being alone and are not anxious about being accepted usually thrive in religious communities. Religious should be comfortable with solitude. There is a long tradition in religious life of maintaining silence to commune with God more readily.

4. Being able to set limits and maintain boundaries

The ability to establish and maintain boundaries in your personal and professional life is especially important for celibate church ministers. Ministerial relationships, in particular, can sometimes become close and intense. Taking a vow does not stop people from having normal sexual feelings for those they meet.

The ability to set and keep limits will help you to maintain vowed, celibate chastity, just as Catholic singles and married people strive to maintain chastity within their commitments—by adhering to limits and maintaining respect for themselves and others.

5. Having a personal and prayerful relationship with God

The theology of vacare Deo—or emptiness for God—sees the sacrifice involved in a celibate lifestyle as an opportunity to create a space that is for God alone, for God to fill one’s emptiness. The time and energy required by commitment to a spouse or family, for example, is instead left open for God to fill. Without a close personal relationship with God, there is little point in consecrating one’s full self to God.

The Catholic concept of consecrated celibacy is definitely countercultural, and those entering religious life do well to understand and appreciate this tradition. Try reading some classics on the topic, including Clowning in Rome: Reflections on Solitude, Celibacy, Prayer, and Contemplation by Father Henri Nouwen.

6. Being comfortable with diverse people of both sexes

Religious community members must be comfortable with all types of people. Communities are seeking new members who can engage comfortably and appropriately with people of all races, genders, political persuasions, and economic backgrounds.

If people of the opposite sex tend to make you feel uncomfortable, fearful, or angry, then this may be worth exploring with a close confidante or a professional. Religious life is not an escape from dealing with people who are different from you.

7. Being emotionally mature

Happy religious community members are generally able to understand and name their emotions. They can cope with strong emotions without resorting to one extreme (overreaction) or another (shutting down, going numb). A person capable of healthy celibate living can find and stay within appropriate types of self-expression for emotions such as anger, excitement, attraction, sorrow, and disappointment.

8. Feeling comfortable with their body

Those who live celibacy best have the discipline to follow healthy physical habits, such as proper diet, nutrition, and exercise. They do not escape into an overly spiritual and mental life but rather are able to fully experience life physically and mentally. They accept their body while also making an effort to keep it healthy and well-groomed.

Healthy physical expressions such as appropriate hugs and handshakes are not a cause of unease for the person who is a mature celibate. Those who live the vow of celibacy best understand and accept who they are sexually, even if the vow naturally means that they discipline the way they relate to others physically.

Past sexual behavior is not necessarily an impediment to joining religious life, but religious communities do seek out individuals who have demonstrated—over a number of years—that they can live chastely in a healthy and joyful way.

Like any type of true discipleship, there is a cost to being a vowed religious. Day-to-day living of the vow of celibacy is not always easy. Yet every commitment has its demands.

For those who are called to consecrated life, the long-term joys and satisfactions make the life what it is meant to be: a gift to those who live it, a gift to the church, and a gift to the world.

A version of this article appeared in VISION 2016.